Chance Glance!

Nekocchi
22 Slovakia INFP
A girl who got lost in a nightmare and, using her own blood, she tried to change it into paradise.
----☆----
I’m shy, awkward and clumsy. Short somehow-human who loves to hug people but is mostly too insecure to do so. So, cuddles dogs and cats instead.

Likes

SnugglesBritish TV showsFantasySherlockJapanese language

Dislikes

AggressionSleep issuesConfusionStressFights

Writing

Akail
8
This seems like a perfect place to discuss or write or critique the following things:

-Poems
-Stories
-Settings
-Pretty much anything regarding writing

Please don't be overly negative on other people's things. It's usually a good idea to at least point out a good thing for every flaw you find (that said, if someone finds a flaw in your work, they're probably just looking to help you grow as a writer, not hurt you as a person).

Anyway, Happy Writing!
Akail
5
I'll start with a poem I've been thinking about all morning:

Clover, Lilies, Dandelion,
A Summer's Night will be so mild.
Whispers on the Evening Sun
Of Stars and Dark and Subtle Things.
The Dusk arrives at the death of Light,
And the Twilight hour bears witness
To the sleeping forest floor.
A symphony of silence rises,
Broken as purple fades to blue to black
By the rustle of leaves of the twisted Oaks
That writhe in their still slumber,
Stirred by the breeze.
And the moment is captured by those in a grove,
By the lovers, on a hill in June.
IEI 4w5 7w6 1w2 SxSp AIS MelancholicSanguine
CentralDogma
1
First question--do you have a title for this one? titling things can be hard and annoying but it's pretty necessary if you wanna tie everything together effectually and have the work feel complete. obviously that applies less if this is an early draft or something but a title is important enough from a tonal+thematic standpoint that you want to think about it early on in your writing


as far as the thing itself goes--i'll give suggestions first, then compliments :P

overall the poem feels like it's a bit too built around the line break. you always end lines at grammatically significant parts of the sentence, which ascribes a lot of significance to the line as an organizational unit, and when combined with the rough trochaic tetrameter the first few lines have going the reader expects this to be a formal verse poem until you hit the fifth line. the amount of importance you implicitly put on the line makes the poem feel kinda old-timey and stiff, which works against the sublimity and freedom of your subject matter

the consistent rhythm of the first four lines also brings about unevenness in lines 5-7, which resolves itself in 8, and then the poem ends just as it's coming to a rhythmic half-cadence over the last two lines. as a result the work lacks a strong sense of finality, which doesn't feel intentional because the rhythm of the first few lines is so strong and organized and deliberate, and the poem itself is pretty short so that expectation is really strong. i'd recommend adding more, and be sure to pay special attention to the poem's overarching melody so it comes to a satisfying end

speaking of adding more--if/when you revise and expand this, i'd recommend centering the poem more on the lovers on the hill (or in the grove, or wherever they wander). beautiful scenery is nice, but for a poem to feel real it has to have something of an arc--things happening to other things, static places or feelings in terms of someone or something's specific experience. it doesn't have to be a narrative necessarily, but you want to introduce some change and tension above the day-to-day generality which exists in the poem's world--showing us that day and night go by isn't quite enough to accomplish that, at least without any literary weight ascribed to the things moving. and speaking of literary weight, why did you capitalize so much stuff? if the capitalized things were fleshed out as actors with personalities/characteristics it would make more sense, but right now it populates the poem too densely to have a positive effect. overall i'd recommend you free the poem up some, give the scansion-ish elements of the poem some more slack, make the whole thing longer, less rigid, more focused on characters and events than exposition and staging




as far as what i like, i think you use your letters well. there's a lot of well-placed assonance/consonance, usually pretty small, but which happens in serendipitous places and emphasizes important parts of the piece. you have a good sense of when to use alliterative wording and when not to, and outside of that the words all fit together well and flow into one another. you generally know what to talk about and what to leave unsaid, such that the reader gains a full understanding of the situation without privileging of the concrete/mathematical over the abstract/emotional. after all, stories are ornamented and embellished, and they aren't just lists of events that happened--understanding is derived from a lot more than that, after all.

one last word of general advice--when writing, no matter what part of a poem you're thinking about, align yourself toward the same goal. you want every single disparate element of your writing to embody to its fullest the message you wanna send and the emotions you wanna evoke. rhythm, meter, line breaks, grammatical rules, article adjectives--there is nothing too small to be intentionally placed. the more saturated your poem is with deliberateness and purpose, the more thematically dense it is, and the more your readers get out of reading it. a poem is ideally like a mandelbrot fractal--no matter how much you zoom in, whether you look at the whole thing or a single stanza or a single line or a single word, you see the central image the writer wants you to. in revising this poem and writing more, make sure that every choice you make feels unambiguously, ineffably right to you, and your poem will be great.

thank you so much for starting this thread off, by the way! i'd love to see how this piece turns out, and i'd love to look at other stuff of yours. hope all this talking on my part helps you out somehow :p
Akail
0
Sorry, I've been a bit ill the last few days and didn't feel up to responding at all to anything, but I'll try to answer various things now.

I don't really have a title at all, mostly because I just thought of it a few hours before starting this thread (I've been trying to write down more 'sudden' poetry lately, because I usually take a long time an overedit everything). I'll almost certainly wait until I have a 'final' draft to put a name.

I do tend to place too much importance on breaks in my poetry, especially when I start one (so great catch there), although I usually fix it by ripping the various pieces and lines into a more space/position oriented poem. Unfortunately I don't know if that would work here or not, so I think I'll try to make it into a sort of half-grounded poem (at least partially structured, but I'll probably add that rhythm to the rest and try to downplay the linebreaks somehow).

As far as the adding an actual plot/action, to be honest I was just making scenes to make scenes. I added the lovers partially because they sounded good and partially because it wrapped the poem up better than anything else (like tying up a shoddy present with a piece of ribbon). I'll probably change the narrative, so don't worry about that.

Hopefully I'll finally return to it in a few days and revise it enough to actually have a good theme (and probably extend it)
EII 6w5 1w2 2w1 SxSp SAI MelancholicPhlegmatic
Vivid Melody
9
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Rayman
3
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EII 6w5 1w2 2w1 SxSp SAI MelancholicPhlegmatic
Vivid Melody
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IEI 4w5 7w6 1w2 SxSp AIS MelancholicSanguine
CentralDogma
3
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SilverShoelaces
5
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Akail
0
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Cecexx01
0
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