Chance Glance!

Nekocchi
23 Slovakia INFP
A girl who got lost in a nightmare and, using her own blood, she tried to change it into paradise.
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I’m shy, awkward and clumsy. Short somehow-human who loves to hug people but is mostly too insecure to do so. So, cuddles dogs and cats instead.

Likes

Red colorAnimalsAnimeSoft thingsBritish TV shows

Dislikes

Sleep issuesMisunderstandingsFightsShoutingResponsibilities

Comment #10752

Location: Rayman
Rayman
1
It's been two years since I last checked in here.
Whoa, I forgot how cringey my profile picture is.

Things suck. I'm falling into self destructive habits and self isolation.
I've developed this weird self punishment thing where I don't eat, or sleep because I feel that I don't deserve it.

I never really used to hate myself. There were a lot of things I didn't like about me, mainly my looks, but I always felt comfortable with who I was as a person.

Now that's flipped. I've grown up. I'm happy with how I look, but I don't like myself.

I realized that the clever, erudite and "mature" persona I built up for myself only worked as a child.
A kid with a cynical attitude worthy of Sam Vimes is only funny and charming when you're a kid.

Now I'm struggling to figure out who I am, and who I want to be.

I've been watching Community from Dan Harmon.
Abed, one of the characters said:
"When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others is no big deal."

But I don't know who I am and what I like about myself besides my hair. Great. Super. I like my curls, but I'm a disgusting, lazy and unreliable jerk.

And when I change for the people around me, like my dad, I feel... Wrong.

I miss this place. I miss you guys.
I want to go back to being who I was. But that "Me" doesn't work anymore. Everyone hates him. So I don't know...

Who the hell do I want to be?
No one cares. Work faster! Stop falling asleep in class! Stop being such a downer. Stop being so self destructive.

I don't know I might look back at this post in another two years and laugh about it.

Cheers everybody!
SEI RLOAN PhlegmaticMelancholic
Nekocchi
0
Hello, Ray! It’s nice to see you, to ‘hear a familiar voice’ again after such a long time!

That being said, I am sorry you are going through something like that! It sounds like a very difficult time period for you, but I hope – no, I am sure – you will be able to pull through and figure it all out!

The line between a child and an adult is tricky. I myself sometimes feel like I am acting too childishly, like I should be different, like I need to be different, because otherwise I am doing something wrong. Other times, I just feel simply inadequate, like everyone else already has things long figured out, like they all have skills and experience and knowledge, all the while I am standing still, looking around with big eyes of a lost kid…

These are probably different to your situation… But the thing about adults that no one really tells you is, nobody knows what they are doing. Everyone has a story of their own, and there is not one without a scratch, a dent, a full-blown hole in it.

Anyway, this is not what I originally wanted to say.

I know a thing or two about self destruction and self punishments, and those things aren’t good… But I think you know that, too. Knowing never stops us, eh? Because it’s all deeper and more complicated than that…
Despite that, let me say that I hope you can forgive yourself for not being perfect, or not finding yourself yet.
I hope that you can take a step back, and take a deep breath.
That you can tell yourself it is okay not to know, it is okay to take your time, it is okay to make it a slow journey.
It’s fine to be confused, or unsure, or different from what people expect.
Be kind to yourself, even – or especially – when no one else is. You deserve it <3


I miss this place and the guys from here, too. Including you.

You are important, and valuable, and you are going to be alright. May your days become sunnier and happier from here onwards. <3